Why I decided to write a blog and the journey that led me here…
“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me that is the true essence of beauty.”
— Dr. Steve Maraboli
Hi, my name is Em and I started this blog so I can talk to you about my passion and how I have used it to make it through the hardest times of my life. There were many people and experiences that got me to where I am today, and through their guidance and my journey through some of the hardest times of my life I learned what I care about the most.
My passion is to be a music educator! I love working with kids and by helping others I truly feel as though I’m a part of the career I’m called to be in. As I mentioned earlier I’m 21 years old and I’m going to be going into my senior year of college. In all honesty, the past three years have been the hardest years of my life.
To give you a taste of what it’s been like, my boyfriend of almost four years and I have had a long-distance relationship for three of those years, plus I began a waltz with something I had never dealt with before: depression. My depression was developed over months of many different experiences, and I’m creating this blog so I can talk through what I did to make it through this constant battle.
The first five months of college hold some of the worst memories for me. Coming from a very small Catholic high school, I wasn’t ready for the intensity of a public university, and I was terrified of everyone in the music building. Not only was there students from some of the best music schools in Kentucky, but I sincerely believed each and every one was better than me.
I began my classes with determination and the confidence I had was dwindling. At my high school I was seen as the girl who could play it all and knew what she was doing. Thus began the most humbling experience of my life. Not only was I the worst student in my music theory class, my professor knew it and he used this information to pick on me mercilessly.
Struggling for help, I confided in the wrong people, looking for tutoring help, friendship, and support. Not knowing how to fit into my new environment, I began to do things I wasn’t proud of. Because of this behavior, I soon reached the point where I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had changed my hair, pierced my nose, and drank everything under the sun and nothing got me out of the spinning chaos my world seemed to be in.
After finding out the person that was supposed to be a best friend truly had the worst intentions it hurt beyond belief. A guy I had genuinely sought out for comfort and help when everything was dark just wanted to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. He began to be manipulative and I stopped our “friendship” for good.
After pouring months of feelings into a best friend that turned out to be filling my head with fake praise to get on my good side I decided I would make it through this hell-hole of a place alone. Without my family, boyfriend, and friends there, I felt as though there was nobody that loved me there and that I should just give up.
It didn’t help that my friends all seemed to be so happy at their colleges and I seemed to be the only one struggling so bad. I tried therapy, two times a week and crying my eyes out, and the therapist told me that I needed to get medication for my separation anxiety and treat my depression.
When I approached my mentor on campus, he told me that I don’t need medication to make it through the day, it’s just a mental thing you need to change. He also told me that if I transferred that would be OK. He didn’t seem like he wanted to fight for me or even give me a reason to stay which is what broke me.
I would come home on university breaks and beg my parents not to let me go back. I cried every holiday because I got to see all the people I cared about and then it was time to leave afterward. I cried over my Christmas break because I knew I would have to go back and I hated it so much.
Eventually my mentality began to change when I reached second semester of freshman year. I realized that my family, boyfriend, and friends would be in the town I left when I came back. This slowly began to soothe me, along with my relentless writing of letters to anyone that needed them. I began to see how this wasn’t the end for me but it was the beginning.
Over the last two years of college I dealt with even more terrible situations. There were roommates I fought with, people I said goodbye to, more bad decisions, and still my passion has not changed. The message of my blog is that no matter what terrible thing is happening in your life right now, you can still follow your passion. And that’s how I plan to leave you this week. Thinking about the obstacles that have gotten in your way and how you plan to tackle them. Now that you know how my story started I plan to share more stories and tips to follow your passion too!
~ Coffee With Em ~ 