“We never truly get over a loss, but we can move forward and evolve from it.”
-Unknown
While visiting my grandparents a few weeks ago, I came up with the idea to write this blog. I wanted to share who I was with the world, and I set the goal that I was going to begin by writing a post every single week. However, the world is an unpredictable place and before I knew it I was saying goodbye to one of my favorite people on this Earth and couldn’t form the words I wanted to say.
My grandfather had been suffering from kidney failure for five years. It was one of those inevitable things you tried not to think about because you never knew when the last goodbye was going to be. The last week of my summer break I went to tell him that I loved him. It broke my heart that for two days straight he didn’t recognize me, and he moaned in pain so frequently I just prayed that he would find peace soon. On the third day I was with him he finally saw me as his granddaughter. Having some closure that if that was the last goodbye he knew I loved him, I left to go back to college. Not even a week later, he had passed surrounded by his family and loved ones.
My shining optimism for the new year evaporated in a single instant. How do you push through the rest of the week when you get news like this? I decided to distance myself from my band mates. I didn’t want to be around anyone because once again, I thought pushing people away would help me avoid talking about something that made me feel pain. Then, when the end of the week came, we went to the visitation and saw old pictures, thought of old memories, and saw him laying in the casket. I just broke. Seeing my grandfather so peaceful and resting made me miss him so bad all I could do was cry.
The next day, I sang at his funeral and also played “Taps” on the trumpet for his military service. I have never cried so hard in my life. A week ago he was talking to us, sitting up and going to church with us. He held my hand and he told me he was ready to go. Saying goodbye at his grave site was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. So how do you move on to the next week after something so horribly painful? You don’t right away. Grief for my grandfather’s death will never go away. However, if I remember that grief it will push me further in my journey. Even though this was one of the hardest weekends of my life I remembered that even sad situations can have a good outcome.
“Be patient and tough, one day this pain will be useful to you.”“
-Ovid
I will always be able to remember my grandfather’s smile, the way he used to make jokes to see us laugh, and the stories he would tell around the dinner table. One day I hope to be just like him. I want to inspire my children one day and have a teaching career where I can emulate his acts of service and love to family and country. This is how I fuel my passion. Yes, your life can change in an instant, and yeah, life can really suck sometimes, but you can choose to use your pain to motivate you and inspire you or you can choose to let it consume you. I know my grandfather would want me to keep playing my trumpet and singing. I know he loved me and now I can focus on the new school year, remembering how much he loved me and was an amazing part of my life.
Never forget what is pushing you. Follow your dreams even when the going gets tough. 🙂
~ Coffee With Em ~ 